A New Hope Live-tweeted

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As I did previously with Revenge of the Sith, I ran a live Twitter commentary to Episode IV, A New Hope last night.  It’s probably funnier in real time, but I think there are a few chuckles here even after the fact.  In any event, per a few requests, I’ve compiled the tweets here.

I picked this up late, after everyone else had gone to bed in Kempland.  When I started, our heroes were about to get killed in the trash compactor.

LANGUAGE WARNING:  Many expletives follow.

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Luke with the slick backed hair. Now we know what he’d have looked like in Goodfellas.

Pick up the goddamn comlink you shiny, prissy mother fucker!

See, for that Threepio gets a smack to the head. “Forgot the comlink.” Whoopsie.

The first Han and Leia hug. There it was. It ain’t stopping there.

As always, Spike TV: More T and A than a legion of Imperial Walkers (cuz they’re AT-ATs). Testing. Is this thing on?

Yes, everyone else is asleep in Kempland. It’s just me, A New Hope, and a fully loaded Twitter feed.

Also, I think Peter Cushing was the best actor in this movie. Just watch his scenes. Dude got it done. “You are much too trusting.”

And Leia realizes Han isn’t the brightest bulb. Can’t have everything.

And now even Chewie realizes Han isn’t the brightest bulb. Again, can’t have everything.

What? You doubt?  Chewie’s the chessplayer between the two. Remember? On the Falcon, Han is the dumb one.

Every Tattoine farmboy carries a grappling hook.

Also, Luke staged that whole thing so he could get a hand on Leia’s frame. Can’t blame him, really.

If Threepio had hair, it would be neatly parted and his t-shirts would be ironed. Look to your feelings. You know it to be true.

That’s not the best comeback, Ben. Darth’s speech was good. But “Only a Master of Evil, Darth” is only a nod above neener neener.

Oh, I can imagine a lot of power, old man, so that’d be somethin’ somethin’.

By “we’re going” Threepio means “waddle slowly across the hangar.”

And Obi sees it all. Luke is the shit. Therefore, I will die. Suck it Vader.

That “Old Man” is General Kenobi, Han. He was kicking ass when you were still taking the breast on Corellia. Speak no ill.

FYI: The Empire mandates really bad haircuts. Watch and see. That’s the real reason Vader force chokes so many dudes. He does not dig the hairstyles.

Vader walks through the Deathstar, sees who went to the Imperial equivalent of Fantastic Sams, is disgusted, and puts him down.

Jedi, on the other hand, all have good hair. Yoda and Mace are the only exceptions. But they’re Yoda and Mace, so we’re okay.

Even Ki-Adi-Mundi has decent hair, what with what the kids call “The Cerean Ruff.”

Mace won’t have it. RT @atfmb: @Paulskemp There’s a Jedi with a bad combover out there somewhere. It’s a really big galaxy. It could happen.

A bad combover was the cause of the Second Great Schism in the Jedi Order. True story.

Nothing Luke could have done? Could’ve whined less. Obi’s last days don’t need whiny Luke all up in his ears.

Damn. Seeing Leia’s hair swirls from the sides like that almost hypnotized me.

Leia is the worst sort of back seat driver though. I CAN SEE there are two more TIE fighters out there, ferchrissakes! Zip it so I can shoot!

And with that hug Leia got her first whiff of Wookiee fur. Won’t be the last.

See? Han, not so bright. Leia is the brains of that marriage.

Han: I’m in it for the money and, er, the hot princesses.

I do love an X-Wing. Sleek machine.

Man, they stick shit into R2 all the time. Just once, I want him to beep: “That’s it! Don’t stick another damn thing in me!”

Yeah, cuz hitting a wamprat is just like hitting a two meter hole while under fire from Vader. We forgive the naivete cuz you’re Luke.

Why are X-wing pilot’s uniforms orange? It’s like they’re hunting in the woods. Give them beer and carelessness and they’d be all set.

Commercial:  See, Vader would not Force Choke Polamalu. Hair is too good.

When next they show a Stormtrooper, note the codpiece. Odd wardrobe choice, is what I’m saying.

Gives the line, “You’re a little short for a stormtrooper” an entirely different cast, not so?

Han needs a disco medallion to go with that open shirt. Oh wait, he gets one at the end of the movie. Staying Alive, mofos.

You see Luke gave Leia the puppy dog eyes and it worked. Got the cheek peck from Leia. As good as the mind trick, by God!

Oh, Blue Squad. You are so fucked.

Yes, assaulting the baddest space station in the galaxy is “just like beggars canyon.” My flag football team is also “Just like the NFL.”

Luke seems surprisingly untroubled that a dead old man he barely knows keeps speaking in his mind. I’d have some concerns, myself.

Wedge! Porkins!

That’s what she said! (Wedge humor for “Look at the size of that thing”)

“Trying to draw their fire” really seems like a bad tactical decision. “Avoid their fire” is a better move.

And so passes Porkins. He died well. Weight problem is understandable given his sedentary job (pilot).

Tie-fighters have the Stuka sound effect. I dig.

You see Wedge’s ‘stache, yeah? Imagine him in “Star Whores,” a porn spoof. Works, no? It’s the ‘stache.

Everybody knows I love SW, yes? I poke fun because I love.

Truth! RT @erier2003: @Paulskemp: Also true of Biggs, who already has a Star Whores-y name.

Whoa! That Rebel Leader at the command table wins the ‘stach contest. Handlebars!

Wedge is the X-Wing madman. No one close.

What’s that knob Vader’s always turning? Adjusting his radio. He likes killing rebels to the sound of Jimi Hendrix.

In his mind, Vader’s hearing, “All Along the Watchtower.” And the screams of the dying, of course, but that goes without saying.

And by “cover me” I mean bump into me and fuck this whole thing up. Dumbass no name pilot.

Those Y-wings got no business in this game. Like racing the Daytona in a Yugo. Bring on the X-wings.

“Hold them off” means, “Let yourself get killed in the trench so I can get a shot.” Other dudes are like, “I’LL TAKE THE SHOT. YOU HOLD ‘EM OFF.”

Next time use the goddamned Force, fatty (Zombieland fatty reference)

Oh, that’s right, no next time, cuz Vader toasted you. That is what you get for making Lo Wang chase you! (Shadow Warrior reference for the kewl kidz).

More knob fiddling.  Means Vader just lost his Hendrix feed. Finds that annoying. Therefore, Rebel dies.

What he really wanted to say: “Luke, your targeting computer is off. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND?”

And by “all right” Luke means, “Hearing the voice of a dead old guy I barely know.”

Bring on Han and the “Yeehaw!” That was Yippeekayai before anyone every heard of Bruce Willis and Die Hard.

Bring on the disco medallions! Carrie looking lovely.

Note that Chewie gets no medal. Too tall and too hairy, I guess. Still, he’s the brains of the Falcon crew.

Smiles, everyone! Smiles! Aaanddd….fade to credits. Good stuff.

Folks, can’t stay up for Empire. Enjoy and have a great evening.

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3 Comments

  1. Paul, your level of awesomeness knows no bounds. Great stuff, but I am really looking forward to you doing Empire. I’ll send pizza your way 🙂

  2. Pingback: Best Posts of 2011 | Candlekeep Archives

  3. First Shadow Warrior reference I’ve seen in about a decade.

    Cool.

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