Meanwhile, in the Trump White House (part IV):
KUSHNER, out of breath: Sir, Patrick Stewart is coming to the U.S. to fight you.
KUSHNER: This is bad!
KUSHNER: He’s Professor X, Mr. President.
TRUMP: That baldy with the Cerebellum machine or whatever?
TRUMP: Whatever. Just change the travel ban to keep out mutants. Boom.
KUSHNER: Won’t work, sir. No agent could stop him. He could just implant a suggestion to let him pass. He’s the most powerful telepath on earth.
KUSHNER: Telepath? It means he can affect minds.
TRUMP: Oh! Speaking of minds, I have a terrific one. The best! Everyone—
KUSHNER: Sir, it gets worse.
TRUMP: Worse? Bald British guy with mind powers and tolerant politics is already really bad.
KUSHNER: I know right?
KUSHNER: Well….remember how you pissed off Australia?
KUSHNER: It’s a country. Down under?
TRUMP: THERE ARE A LOT OF COUNTRIES IN THE WORLD, JARED! MANY OF THEM START WITH ‘A’, TOO!
KUSHNER: You called their Prime Minister a fucking twat. Remember?
TRUMP: Still need to be more specific. I call everyone a fucking twat, you fucking twat.
KUSHNER: Fine. He had the weird accent?
TRUMP: Like Crocodile Dundee!
FLYNN, pops head in: Did someone mention Crocodile Dundee starring Paul Hogan? I could review that if—
TRUMP: YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED HERE ANYMORE, MIKE! AND I TOLD YOU NO MORE FUCKING MOVIE REVIEWS. I SHOULD’VE FIRED YOU FOR THOSE ALONE!
FLYNN, scurries away.
KUSHNER: So, Professor X has an Australian friend—
TRUMP: The Road Warrior?
TRUMP: Original was better, don’t you think? That Tom Hardy is barely understandable. Got a bunch of marbles in his mouth. Plus they made it into a chick flick. Ugh. Furiosa? What the Hell was that? Tell you what, though, Charlize is smoking hot. Anyway, Mel Gibson, now, he was great as Max. The best. Hates the Jews, too, I think.
BANNON, sprinting in, half a Twinkie hanging from his mouth: You called, Mein Fuhrer?
TRUMP: What? No.
KUSHNER: I’m a Jew, sir. As is your daughter.
TRUMP: One, you’re the good kind of Jew, Jared. Two, Vank is just a Jew for you, not a real Jew.
TRUMP: Steve, get out of here. AND DO NOT TOUCH THE SNACKS, you fucking twat of a snack Nazi.
BANNON, retreating: Sieg heil. Sieg heil..
KUSHNER: Back to Mr. Stewart.
TRUMP: The bald British guy? Mind powers?
TRUMP: See? I’m listening!
JARED: Sure, sir. Anyway, he has a friend? An Australian friend? With claws?
TRUMP: Talking to you is hard, Jared! And koalas do have claws. I think they can be mean sometimes, too. The cuteness is just an act to get you close and then…BAM!
KUSHNER: I’m talking about—
TRUMP: I didn’t know Jews said “shit.”
TRUMP: LOGAN IS A FUCKING CANADIAN!
KUSHNER: But Jackman is Australian. And anyway you pissed off Canada, too! They’re both Commonwealth nations so they have a weird thing going on. Logan is standing in for them.
JACKMAN/LOGAN, entering: S’up, Bub.
KUSHNER: *Begins to weep*
TRUMP: You! I’m, uh, not afraid of you…that much.
LOGAN: Sure, bub.
TRUMP: Do you even realize that my SecDef is called Mad Dog! I could call him in here right now.
TRUMP: I can, uh, call Putin! Maybe you’ve heard of him? Have you seen him with his shirt off? Dreamy….. But tough, too!
LOGAN: *draws on cigar*
TRUMP: But..I can make American great again. Only I can do it. I even have a hat that says it.
LOGAN: Bullshit. And your hands are fucking tiny. ‘Nuff said.
KUSHNER: That’s true, sir.
TRUMP: You shut it, Jared! Go Jew with Vank or something.
LOGAN: Listen, bub. You can leave here your way. Or you can leave here mine.
TRUMP: Fine. Jesus H. Sassafras.
PENCE, offstage: Jesus CHRIST, sir. CHRIST.
TRUMP: Sassafras, Mike! Who’s the fucking President around here anyway?!
LOGAN: Not you. Not anymore.
TRUMP: Fine. I impeach myself or resign or whatever. Never wanted this job anyway.
LOGAN: Good choice, bub. Don’t let the door to the Oval hit you in the ass. Send Bannon in here after you leave. Time for some realtalk with the Nazi.