My next novel, A Discourse in Steel, the second tale of Egil and Nix, a sword and sorcery bonanza (now with 75% more sorcery! And gluten-free!) will be released in eighteen days. And by God that can mean only one thing: it’s time for a top ten list (the Top Ten Reasons to buy the first tale of Egil and Nix, The Hammer and the Blade, is here).
And so, without further ado, here are the Top Ten Reasons you should buy A Discourse in Steel.
10. Purchasing the novel grants you twenty-five temporary hit points, and those extra hit points will give you the edge you need to defeat your longtime nemesis, the super villain, Doctor Manuel Rodriguez Sans Pants. Because seriously – that brother needs to put on some pants or else pay the price for his unwelcome floppiness.
9. The book is already receiving excellent reviews. See ‘em? And that’s before it’s even released. Ergo, we can safely conclude that the book travels through time. If you buy it, you also may be able to travel through time. Now, I can’t guarantee that you’ll have a time-traveling companion as attractive as her, or him, or her, or him (ignore him; not really attractive), but you won’t know unless you buy it. Will you? Will you? WILL YOU?
8. If enough people purchase the book, all songs by Nickelback will be expunged from our collective memory. This is how you remind me…of…what? I don’t even know. See? It’s already working! And you, too, will no longer be reminded if you purchase A Discourse in Steel.
7. If too few people purchase the book, we’ll all be cursed with Nickelback earworms for the rest of our Hellish existence, and a crooning Chad Kroeger will visit us in dreams forevermore (possibly accompanied by Doctor Sans Pants). I did say ‘crooning.’ Crooning ferfucksake! Don’t let that happen, people. They say that a hero can save us (you see what I did there?). Be that hero.
6. I’ll point out that the novel goes very well with clothing. So if you wear clothing, or ever plan to wear clothing (obviously this excludes the good Doctor; see above), then this is the novel for you. Brings out your eyes. Have I told you that you have dreamy eyes? Dreeeeaaammy.
5. Everyone who purchases the book will receive a bottle of their favorite scotch, bourbon, beer, wine, or another spirit of their choice!
(The immediately preceding sentence was a lie. But everyone who purchases the book does, in fact, get a free lie, which you just received in the aforementioned sentence. Move on to number four. Move on, I said. Go on, now. Get over it. Go. There we are).
4. You know those people who talk and text in the movie theater? They hate this book. They don’t want you to buy this book. Send them a middle-finger salute by buying it. Boing, texting-talking-mofos! How do you like me now?! (note the interrobang).
3. Oh look, puppies!
Puppies love this book and would like you to buy it. Go ahead, pet them. So cute, amirite? So soft, so trusting. You wouldn’t want to disappoint the puppies would you? Not the puppies! No, of course you wouldn’t. You’re a good person! And as such, you’ll buy the book. Won’t you, good person? Won’t you?
2. It’s sword and sorcery of the kickass variety. I’m not even going to make a joke here. It’s sword and sorcery, and I know how to bring that shit.
1. Because it’s written by this guy who you know, and you’ve read lots of work by him before and liked it. You’re going to love this, too, or his name isn’t Doctor Manuel Rodriguez San Pants…errr…I mean Paul S. Kemp.